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Isolated

I’m done crying, I think. There are 4 hours of battery left in my MAC and about the same amount of time waiting for sunrise. Should write something down I guess, maybe even in Vietnamese … NVM. I might never tell anyone, I guess, about why I became the one I am right now. I barely speak Vietnamese anymore, don’t really have much Vietnamese friends either, I try not to if possible interact with anyone I related to over here because I’m scared. But why is that? I was thinking about writing it all out somedays, when I’m brave and stone my soul that I can’t feel other’s pain anymore. And I still can’t really. Maybe I’m just a little weak … or maybe, idk.

Almost four years ago when I came here, it was so safe to be the one I used to be, with an unlimited trusting plan. I’m craving everything about Vietnam, always. Even that not all which fills in my blood, it’s still where I came from and I’m missing it, you know. When I lose faith from the one close to me, I will start to fall. Because of that, one time after another, year after year, the fear grows bigger inside of me. Life is unsafe, isn’t it? To the point that speaking my language can ache my brain, reminds me so much about how happy my little life used to be. Just that can literally blow up my heart and cut my feet off—but I would (still) run home, right away. 

No. I have to be strong. And keeping daddy, mommy, my bro and my real family happy is all that matters. I do, really, missing a real family that I can really trust and be trusted. I will get tired of this running away smiling game soon. Soon right when the one related to you in this land could ever said that you were too nice and silly, just told you to do whatever and you would get it done right. One after another tried to use you up and all they want is really just one thing: money. It’s hurt real bad—it’s scary and even funny, sometimes. I happen to be smart enough to see through your moves, I’m sorry for being nice and silly. I do really, just want to keep a smile on everyone face, can most of them take it nicely and be nice back to me just like how I live. Or that is so not fair just ‘cuz … Family, a real one, that’s what I craves the most … Sorry to be so rude but burying it way to long, lies after lies, it’s hurt.

I know everyone over here is not like that at all. There’s just too much faith fell off from me time after time. Even though a lot of nice humans running into my life in those past 4 years, that fear still remains. I’m trying to grow a stronger heart sometimes—soon, not now tho. My power went back and I guess there is no reason to scared of the dark anymore. Let’s leave this car and walk inside, a nap would be real nice right now. I thought there’s no one who would reply my text messages while I was camping inside a locked car to cry my sad little life off. But there are still 3 little humans that made smiles grow on my face. 

Thank you…  a lot, like … a lot more than that :)
No one an stay isolated forever, even myself.
Safe or not, will it really matter anymore? 

 
  1. mkbach posted this