Sky comes closer and stars seem so bright. Doubted that I was wrong~ for some reasons, the one would rather not pick out any favorite decided to admit: within this time, it might be her favorite part of life. I’m happy and I just wanna say it out loud. I won’t ask for frozen time or anything beyond that… cuz taking this a little too much, the little heart which is not used to this would bursts out in happy :) Life is never easy for the most part of it. No need to be harsh on myself 24/7 anymore. Ques sera, sera. Let’s loosen it up and smile.

Stay sane.

Most often people try to enjoy life as much as they could, for a reason that it couldn’t be undone or extended. That makes so much sense. Sitting here and thinking about it, I might headed all the way around instead of going straight. But everything happens for a reason (or two~) tho. Who would be sure of it all? The terminal point remains unknown but there must be some values’ve grown in magnitude throughout the years. I will get there someday, to the sense that I would know what to do with my life instead of toying it around in my tiny hands. Will sure to see you all at the finish line with a proud smile on my face.

Ahhh, I always do that. Wanting to write about something then ended up ranting about something else. Just had a thought that I’ve been living in a really funny way. (Funny how? Like building walls all around and stay away from people with a fear of being hurt or hurting “humans iLike”—they’re just excuses of a coward after all.) Odd hah~ I thought I were smarter than that, but no one knows except for the unknown X in the future :) Left a sweet spot of life where everyone could rate it at idealy happiness, jumped into a tougher one, cut off all the comfy links and tried to grow~ harshly. What I’ve done? Life is not a game or a chain or challenges. Even if it were, no one would have to win it all. I will eventually get tired of it and get lost in mind~ Gahh, wake up. NVM, go to sleep, it’s getting late.

Just stay in it and try to find what matters the most to myself as my first task. What comes after, I will deal with it later. Stop being a machine and live a harsh life myself. Step out there and begin to hope. Let’s live this life as a real living thing.

I’m done crying, I think. There are 4 hours of battery left in my MAC and about the same amount of time waiting for sunrise. Should write something down I guess, maybe even in Vietnamese … NVM. I might never tell anyone, I guess, about why I became the one I am right now. I barely speak Vietnamese anymore, don’t really have much Vietnamese friends either, I try not to if possible interact with anyone I related to over here because I’m scared. But why is that? I was thinking about writing it all out somedays, when I’m brave and stone my soul that I can’t feel other’s pain anymore. And I still can’t really. Maybe I’m just a little weak … or maybe, idk.

Almost four years ago when I came here, it was so safe to be the one I used to be, with an unlimited trusting plan. I’m craving everything about Vietnam, always. Even that not all which fills in my blood, it’s still where I came from and I’m missing it, you know. When I lose faith from the one close to me, I will start to fall. Because of that, one time after another, year after year, the fear grows bigger inside of me. Life is unsafe, isn’t it? To the point that speaking my language can ache my brain, reminds me so much about how happy my little life used to be. Just that can literally blow up my heart and cut my feet off—but I would (still) run home, right away. 

No. I have to be strong. And keeping daddy, mommy, my bro and my real family happy is all that matters. I do, really, missing a real family that I can really trust and be trusted. I will get tired of this running away smiling game soon. Soon right when the one related to you in this land could ever said that you were too nice and silly, just told you to do whatever and you would get it done right. One after another tried to use you up and all they want is really just one thing: money. It’s hurt real bad—it’s scary and even funny, sometimes. I happen to be smart enough to see through your moves, I’m sorry for being nice and silly. I do really, just want to keep a smile on everyone face, can most of them take it nicely and be nice back to me just like how I live. Or that is so not fair just ‘cuz … Family, a real one, that’s what I craves the most … Sorry to be so rude but burying it way to long, lies after lies, it’s hurt.

I know everyone over here is not like that at all. There’s just too much faith fell off from me time after time. Even though a lot of nice humans running into my life in those past 4 years, that fear still remains. I’m trying to grow a stronger heart sometimes—soon, not now tho. My power went back and I guess there is no reason to scared of the dark anymore. Let’s leave this car and walk inside, a nap would be real nice right now. I thought there’s no one who would reply my text messages while I was camping inside a locked car to cry my sad little life off. But there are still 3 little humans that made smiles grow on my face. 

Thank you…  a lot, like … a lot more than that :)
No one an stay isolated forever, even myself.
Safe or not, will it really matter anymore? 

Wasting the last shot straight to the heart and still~ can’t really decide what kind of person I am? Good or bad? Or maybe falling somewhere in between. Dragging my human body with a huge hole on the upper left corner of it, I can really hear the wind whining through that instead of the normal beat, you know. Well, maybe I didn’t shot myself right where my heart lives—cuz it already fell off or I’ve accidently frozen it all the way up to the top the other day. Just so, and so, the pain of missing someone you love would leave. Fine, that’s enough drama for the day. Just another pitch of missing my family, I ran over and over every single time I write.

I miss them.
Try not to think of, talk about or even dream of them as much as possible, cuz a bag of tears won’t get you over another day. It just weakens you more. Or maybe I’m already weak so my pretending game went off so well? In any case, here I am, a little weak creature can’t handle the shock from 4 years back, can’t even stay in this world alone even tho how hard the try was. Here I am, a loser at heart. 

Speaking about heart, if you own a frozen one you wouldn’t feel the pain, is that right? If yes, why I’m aching inside. Lies all lies.

The absolute truth that I fear~ of having so many people besides right now, of spreading some loves around. In the very next few years when I leave them, if I actually do, this whole pain program will run over my system again. If I stay weak, I might not be able to handle it. Don’t wanna die with an exploded heart tho, no matter how weak I am.

Selfish, I know.

Frozen yogurt is so pretty. With all the colorful decorative stuff around it, how can it stays frozen still? My frozen heart is a little weak. Whenever attaching to pretty humans around, it starts to melt. I can’t force my like channel to shut and my love channel to be gone. For real that a 24 year living thing, My, is weaker than a cup of frozen yogurt? If yes then this life is just a little unfair.

I really need humans to stop being nice to me so I can’t find a way to love them anymore, please :c Missing one big family is enough.

Daddy, I wanna see your face today just so you can tell me what to do /*hug
Pantone 292.